Meditation and the closet control freak….
17 Apr 2008 Leave a Comment
in meditation brain control mothering freedom sex humor Tags: control, freedom, Life, meditation, mindful
“By letting go of control, you allow yourself to enter new realms of freedom…blah, blah, blah…….”
Recently, I attempted to learn about the practice of meditation. I had high hopes of becoming a quiet puddle of calm. I relished the idea of being fully present in my day to day life, learning to live with intent. I dreamed of fostering a new and wonderful sense of self and spirit. Not a bad plan–and perfectly attainable with practice, perseverance, time and considerable patience.
Patience–there’s the rub…I have none. Being still in the moment and simply breathing is no easy task for a closet control freak. I have a severe caffeine addiction and a brain that runs off at the mouth like Sniffles the mouse. The closest I get to “enlightenment” is that happy-noodley feeling you get after great (or at least decent) sex. I could be mistaken, but I’m fairly certain this is not what most Yogis, Monks and Gurus point to as “enlightened” or “meditative.”
The internal dialogue goes something like this:
Me: [with dogged determination] “okay–I’m going to meditate now.”
Brain: [with enthusiasm] “YAY! I wanna help…”
Me: [calmly] “Cool…okay, let’s…”
Brain: [interrupting] “Okay, okay, okay….I know, I know, wait, ummm, yeah…. let’s imagine we’re a cat…yeah a CAT!…..okay, yeah and we’re lying in the sun and CAR… ooof… sorry–yeah, a little distracted…[trails off]…”
Me: [mildly annoyed] “Alright Brain, thank you for your input, it’s appreciated. Now it’s time to settle down and relax, we’re trying to med…”
Brain: [still enthusiastic] “Right, right… yeah, meditate… hrmmm … sorry, I get a little carried away you know? Must be all that coffee you drink–you know it’s really not good for you, I mean our body is our temple and all, seriously… you should quit–free yourself from addiction and all that rot, you know? OH… yeah… meditate, okay, okay..this is me, Brain being quiet now. Okay, alright, whew… being quiet now…. yeah. quiet… nothing but dead silence here… hey are you breathing right?…I mean it’s all about…”
Me: [ fairly pissed ] “Brain, seriously–shut the hell up, already! We are going to meditate, DAMMIT!”
Brain: [whining] ”Well, sheesh …I was just trying to help… no reason for you to be so nasty. You know you’re really very rude… in fact you fairly SUCK.”
Me: [defeated] “Fine…. whatever….”
It’s at this point I tear off my saffron robe (okay no robe) in frustration, go to the kitchen and pour another cup of coffee…..
